There is more than one factor in chosig a spouse

As a practicing psychologist, I was once consulted
by a brother in Turkey in need of immediate
relationship advice. In summary, the brother’s
“emergency” was that he had met a nice religious
girl from a good family but was not attracted to
her at all. He was under pressure from both his
and her family to make a decision after three short
meetings with the sister. I asked him what he liked
about her; he said she was religious and came
from a good family. “Okay, what else?”
I could feel his anxiety through the computer
screen. To marry or not to marry?
“Should I just go for it?”
I was shocked. Marriage is a lifelong commitment
that requires compatibility, attraction and
personality flow, none of which he felt. But he
failed to recognize this, because he was stuck on
the hadith (narration of the Prophet Muhammad
(pbuh), peace be upon him) narrated by Abu
Huraira in Bukhari: “A woman is married for four
things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty
and her religion. So you should marry the religious
woman (otherwise) you will be
unsuccessful.” (Book #62, Hadith #27)
In my opinion, this hadith is often misunderstood,
because we forget the other reasons in the
process. In the case of the young man I talked to,
he thought we should only marry for religion and
ignore the other three. Are you likely to sustain
and succeed in a marriage where there is no
compatibility beyond sharing a similar theology and
ritual practices? Furthermore, what someone else
calls “religious” may not mean the same thing to
you.
In my experience working with couples for many
years, I know for a fact that this is irrational. When
we fail to apply reason in matters of religion, we
get pain, destruction and failure, especially in
marriage. We cannot live a true path of spirituality
if our attempt to follow Islam lacks sincerity,
wisdom, and deep reflection on our context and
ourselves. Some Muslims live the path of serving
Islam, as if it is a person nodding its head in
approval every time we apply a hadith or Qur’anic
verse. Islam is a path to God. God is the one to
whom this path leads. Did this brother think about
God in his process? That one day he will meet Him
and be asked about “just doing it” without regard
for the deeper requirements for success in human
relationships? He considered getting married in
order not to hurt the sister’s feelings—what about
when he divorces her because he realizes it was a
huge mistake?
A few points to reflect on:
Never ever marry someone you don’t feel right
about out of fear or pressure. This is likely to lead
to failure. In the end, you and your partner will
suffer, not your family, your culture, or even your
religion.
Marry someone who possesses all four reasons
mentioned in the hadith not just religion. This is
more likely to succeed and sustain a life long
partnership.
If religion is important to you, avoid marrying
someone who does not have religion, even if the
other three reasons are alluring. This is just as
unlikely to succeed.
Use this hadith as a guide, not an axiom with
closed borders. We also marry for love and
chemistry, in addition to these four reasons.
Islam teaches us to admire diversity. If we always
married people from the same socioeconomic
status, race, or ethnic group, for example, this
would hinder a more colorful, multicultural ummah
(community).
Sometimes people act religious because it is more
“marketable” for marriage. Be cautious and go
beyond surface checkpoints of theology and
practice. Get to know the person and their family
more deeply.
Take your time. If you do not feel you are given
enough time to get to know someone do not get
married to avoid cultural stigmas. Families that
rush their kids into marriage are the ones to have
sincere skepticism towards.